It’s been a while since I’ve shared a journal style of blog. Freestyle is one of the most enjoyable formats to write in because it’s more opinion and experience driven. As if the title doesn’t give it away, I will be focusing on the topic of hair. Specifically, Black American hair.
The black community is no stranger to envy. Especially when it comes to hair texture and complexion. Of which, the lighter the complexion the better and the looser the texture of hair the better. Long flowing hair (typically relaxed hair or hair that has a loose curl) was admired and if your real hair didn’t grow past shoulder length it was labeled as bad hair. Mine does grow past shoulder length when relaxed which is why I’ve been identified within the Black community as having “good hair.”
I never applied any significance to the label until I decided to chop off my relaxed hair and go “natural”. At the time, going natural was highly popularized as the healthiest thing to do but not necessarily the professionally acceptable thing to do. My hair has been chemically treated/ relaxed for a most of my life. The earliest memory of my natural hair texture prior to was of my mom hot combing it to make more manageable. Aside from that experience, I knew nothing of my natural hair texture.
I wish it could be said that I went natural out of the desire to know what my grown out hair looked like without the chemical straightener. Honestly, I had watched some natural hair YouTube videos and assumed what my hair would look like. The ladies in these videos had thick hair that held a loose curl pattern when twisted out. I found hair that was enviable and I was sold.
The moment my hair was cut to being nearly bald I felt a change in confidence. The phrase, “Your hair is your crown and glory,” is one I previously couldn’t quite relate enough with. The height, or lack there of , of my self esteem was from what I thought mostly directly linked to my weight. However, after the big chop and while it was growing out, my confidence hit an all time low. Additionally, I had to work in office and force a smile on my face , in front of some of the most critical people I’ve ever met. It was extremely hard. I’ve had people bluntly say, “I don’t like your hair like that” and basically tell me that I look ugly. I’d cry before work, I’d cry after work throughout the two years it took for my hair to grow out to a comfortable length.
You know those Pinterest recipes you follow precisely only for the end results to turn out nothing like the picture; it was a fail. That is what my natural hair was for me. I’d attempt so many styles and techniques from YouTubers or other creators, all of which did not turn out similar to what was presented or imagined. The amount of times my hair did turn out the way I’d pictured was very far and few in between. So much time was spent trying to convince myself that I loved it on me. Again I found myself envying someone else’s hair. The more I wanted my hair to be a certain way, the more disappointed I became with my own hair texture. Which, in turn, exacerbated the comments received from other people. It became more than just background noises, instead the negative murmurs were echoes of my own self- consciousness. A lesson in self- worth was gained through the experience.
In closing, I have a deeper level of love for my hair; enough to wear it however desired, while setting aside comparison. I’ve opted for what is convenient for my lifestyle and what I prefer. For a second back then, I’d lost my value; finding more worth in what someone else had.
Until next time continue in love,
Alisia Latoi
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